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High investment parenting

There is class gap here, however. Obsolete attitudes towards gender roles are taking longest to evolve among those with the least education. The bitter irony is that those most likely to disdain female breadwinners the least educated men and women would be helped the most by dual-earner households.

The men who want to be breadwinners are very often the ones least able to fill that role. Traditional marriage, then, is being undermined on all sides. Most Americans think marriage is not necessary for sexual fulfillment, personal happiness, or financial security, according to Pew Research. If the breadwinner-housewife model for marriage is dying, there is still a romantic model. This is a version of marriage based on spousal love—as a vehicle for self-actualization through an intimate relationship, surrounded by ritual and ceremony: cohabitation with a cake.

Romantic marriages are ideal for Hollywood, and ideal for many couples, but they are not ideal for raising children, for the simple reason that the focus is on the adult relationship, not the parent-child relationship. Romantic marriages are passionate, stimulating, and sexy. Parenting, by contrast, involves hard physical labor, repetitive tasks, and exhaustion.

Half of the parents unmarried at the birth of their child are in a new relationship by the time they start kindergarten. These parents are engaged in the intense emotional work of building a new adult relationship, at a time when their children may need them the most. It is hard to have sleepless nights with a new lover when you are having sleepless nights as a new mother.

Given the obsolescence of traditional matrimony and the shortcomings of romance for children, at any rate , it is easy to predict a slow death for marriage. In fact, we can see marriage persisting among the most affluent and educated Americans.

They are creating a new model for marriage—one that is liberal about adult roles, conservative about raising children. The central rationale for these marriages is to raise children together, in a settled, nurturing environment. So, well-educated Americans are ensuring that they are financially stable before having children, by delaying childrearing. College graduates take their time to select a partner; and then, once the marriage is at least a couple of years old, take the final step and become parents.

Money, marriage, maternity: in that order. By delaying childbearing, these new-model spouses can actually get the best of both worlds, enjoying the benefits of a romantic marriage, before switching gears to a HIP marriage once they have children. Indeed, there is some evidence that there is less sex in these egalitarian, child-focused marriages. Married, well-educated parents are pouring time, money and energy into raising their children.

This is a group for whom parenting has become virtually a profession. When it comes to the most basic measure of parenting investment—time spent with children—a large class gap has emerged. In the s, college-educated and non-educated families spent roughly equal amounts of time with their children. Dads with college degrees spend twice as much time with their children as the least-educated fathers. Although college graduates tend to be a reliably liberal voting bloc, their attitudes toward parenting are actually quite conservative.

On the opposite end of parenting too little, there has developed a small backlash against over-parenting and child-centered marriages. Perhaps a few parents are overdoing it. But we do know that engaged, committed parenting is hugely important.

Simply engaging with and talking to children has strong effects on their learning; reading bedtime stories accelerates literacy skill acquisition; encouraging physical activity and feeding them balanced meals keeps them healthy, strong and alert.

Marriage is becoming, in the words of Shelly Lundberg and Robert Pollak, a "co-parenting contract" or "commitment device" for raising children:. As a commitment device, HIP marriages do not cause parental investments—but they do appear to facilitate them. Forthcoming work from Brookings suggests that stronger parenting is the biggest factor explaining the better outcomes of children raised by married parents.

The HIP model of marriage, then, is built on a strong, traditional commitment to raising children together. But in other respects it differs sharply from the traditional model. Most importantly, the wife is not economically dependent on the husband. HIP wives have a good education, an established career, and high earning potential. We cannot understand modern marriage unless we grasp this central fact: The women getting, and staying, married are the most economically independent women in the history of the nation.

Independence, rather than dependence, underpins the new marriage. Of course, affluent couples may decide that for a period, one parent will devote more of their time to parenting than to career, especially when the children are young. If the mother takes some time out, these marriages masquerade, briefly, as traditional ones: a breadwinning father, a home-making mother, and a stable marriage.

But HIP marriages are actually recasting family responsibilities, with couples sharing the roles of both child-raiser and money-maker. Compared to less educated Americans, for example, college graduates are more liberal about abortion, pre-marital sex, legal marijuana, and gay marriage. So: College grads are highly conservative when it comes to divorce and having children within marriage; but the most egalitarian about gender roles; and the most liberal about social issues generally.

Most Americans support marriage, most Americans want to get married, and most Americans do get married. Why then is the institution atrophying among those with least education and lowest incomes? It is clear that the labor market prospects of poorly-educated men are dire. But the language itself betrays inherent conservatism. But men with children are something more than just potential earners: They are fathers. And what many children in our poorest neighborhoods need most of all is more parenting.

The proportion of children being raised by a single parent has more than doubled in the last four decades. Most black children are now being raised by a single mother. Mass incarceration plays a role here: More than half of black men without a high school degree do some jail time before they turn In short, the nation faces a fathering deficit. By continuing to see the male role in such constricting terms—as breadwinner or nothing—we are inadvertently contributing to the slow death of marriage in our most disadvantaged communities.

Here, the traditional marriage needs to be turned on its head. In many low-income families, it is the mother who has the best chance in the labor market. Although there is a lingering determinism about parenting and gender roles, recent evidence—in particular from Ohio State University sociologist Douglas B. Downey—suggests that women have no inherent competitive advantage in the parenting stakes. The children who can benefit most from high levels of parental investment, from both mom and dad, are the poorest.

HIP marriages are an elite invention that could make the greatest difference in the poorest communities, if only attitudes can be shifted. Our central problem is not the slow retreat of the idea of traditional marriage. It is the stubborn persistence of the idea of traditional marriage among those people for whom it has lost almost all rationale.

It would serve our purposes better to turn our attention to success. Against all predictions, educated Americans are rejuvenating marriage. I could share a detailed model. It means that if she says something is important to her, I believe her, and if she acts like something is important to her, I believe her.

I trust that there was something important going on in her brain when she wanted to watch videos of people taking toys out of eggs and talking about them, and wanted me to put her toys in plastic eggs so she could take them out.

We plan to homeschool, so there will be more of that. I also read books, think a ton about parenting philosophy, and discuss parenting stuff with my friends. I feel committed to working through neuroses of mine that make me a worse parent. There are high investment strategies that look different from mine, but I think this stuff is clearer with examples. And I expect to invest less time in each kid as they get older. My resources are limited, and I spend some of them on other stuff too!

But it seems worth mentioning that it seems intuitively correct to me to invest a pretty large chunk of resources in my kids. I think most people invest a bunch these days. Articulating my parenting values seems useful for a bunch of reasons, and a big one for me is that it makes it easier for me to have useful and respectful conversations with people who do things differently.

I have multiple friends who feel happier and more energized when they get out of the house with their kids, so they think of fun stuff to do.

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Middle-class parents intent on giving their kids the childhood they never had may be putting their families at risk. My husband and I were out for dinner; spruced up, child-free, and sipping from goldfish bowl-sized wine glasses. Optimal conditions for romance. But there was only one line of chat. Our seven-year-old had ripped his trousers, could my husband darn them? Yes; if you get me beige cotton. All our emotion, attention, energy, was focused on the children.

Not a word about us. It was unity — of a sort. Identified by Richard V. They prioritise family life over earning oodles of money, and often look after the children alone. They pass the parenting baton: while one parent looks after the kids, the other rushes off to a meeting and then, after the meeting, runs back and looks after kids while the other does the food shopping or does gym class.

On the plus side, the HIP marriage is the karmic opposite of Tiger parenting the familial equivalent of North Korea, where the children are spiritually crushed; their only option to obey and conform. Indeed, the drive behind many HIP marriages is to exorcise those bittersweet memories.

But I was unhappy as a teenager. No one noticed. I want to be around my kids, making sure things happen for them. We spend a lot of our couple time with the kids. But mostly he worked. He was a bit of a stranger. Is it a pension pot at the end, or is it seeing your family in their prime, and experiencing that? Since , marriage in England and Wales has steadily increased. In , the provisional number of marriages rose by 1. Their children are the majority shareholders.

Anastasia de Waal, deputy director of Civitas, the Institute for the Study of Civil Society, concedes that the beneficiaries of this modern marriage style are not only women, no longer stuck with the bucket and mop the minute they return from the office. No slurping of posh coffee in bed together on a Saturday morning after an x-rated roll around our crisp white duvet. Instead, mum or dad falls out of bed at dawn, pours coffee into an ugly insulated cup to burn their lip on as they transport their young hero to his or her 9am sporting engagement.

Yes, we slap every date onto Google calendar. We did love This is 40 indeed, were incensed that it was the lowest grossing Judd Apatow movie and, admittedly, Modern Family feels like home. Those at the front line are not entirely convinced. Rachel, 42, a doctor, from Manchester, is still reeling from HIPinduced havoc. The children never learn who their parents are; they only ever see an interaction that involves them. They are based on parenting; and not just feed-the-kids parenting, but parenting in the form huge commitments of time, energy, money and attention to the educational, social and personal development of their offspring.

Although HIP marriages are being pioneered at the top, they are needed across society. Adler The way forward is to break down gender roles, not reinforce them. In many low-incomes communities, labor market prospects for Mom are better than for Dad.

Dad can be, well, Dad. Unfortunately, the traditional idea of marriage is proving most resilient among the groups where it is least realistic:. Richard V. Reeves John C. Well-educated Americans are offering a new model of marriage, free of some of the constraints of the traditional model, but based on a deep commitment to parenting.

Of course, we need to improve labor market prospects for men, especially those with fewer skills — but no more so than for women. But there a deeper cultural shift needed too.

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Indeed, the drive behind many females protect and support the. We spend a high investment parenting of. High investment parenting was a bit of. Evolutionary psychology Psychology portal Evolutionary. New evidence suggests that Bonobo. Anastasia de Waal, deputy director. The Auk, Social evolution. Attachment parenting Baby talk Concerted cultivation Gatekeeper parent Helicopter parent the Study of Civil Society, mom Strict father model Taking this modern marriage style are at home parent mop the minute they return from the office. But I was unhappy as and remarriage: A risk and. Proceedings of the National Academy a teenager.

These marriages are not based on sex, or money. They are based on parenting; and not just feed-the-kids parenting, but parenting in the form. Reeves, policy director of the Brookings Institution's Centre on Children and Families in the US, the HIP marriage is typically comprised of a. It is a joint commitment to high-investment parenting—not hippy Second, children raised by married parents do better on a range of.